Back in the scrum she goes...

So it has now been over 4.5 months since L got her latest concussion.  The effects still permeate her day.  But she has fought her way back yard by yard to get into some semblance of swimming shape, and to get to the point where she completes probably 90% of each practice.

And today she will swim in her first meet since she got clocked in the forehead in the warm down pool at UF.

Which means she will be a part of the chaotic scrum that is warm up and the warm down pool.  The mass start at Ironman Florida is nothing compared to that churn.  At least at IMFL everyone is going in the same direction, more or less.  Any given lane in warm down has:  5 people bobbing up and down at the end of the lane, sometimes to the side, sometimes not; 4 people who don't care how close a swimmer is to turning, they're gonna push off NOW; a half dozen people doing some form of kick, one oversized bully swimming down the middle of the lane over people; one terminally SLOW person who doesn't know how slow he is clogging up the middle; 3 people jumping in and 3 people slowly climbing out; 2 people who inexplicably stop half way down the pool to talk, turn around, or stand there; etc.  All going in different directions and at different speeds in different strokes and with different levels of experience, expertise, and/or common sense.

And into that we are sending the egg-shell tough skull attached to our daughter.

(Insert green emoji face barfing here...)

Part of me wants to go hover over her lane, even though all that buys me is a front row seat if something happens... it doesn't stop anything from happening.

Part of me wants to put her in a helmet.

Part of me wants to make her quit swimming and take up running, or knitting.

Part of me wants to demand that every pool we go to clear a complete lane for her and any other kid with a pre-existing TBI to warm up and down in (ok, MOST of me wants to do that... why NOT take initiative and create a safe zone for these kids... surely L is not the only one out there in the swimming world...).

And all of me just wants to wrap her in some kind of bubble wrap, or force field, or something, so that she (and we) never has to endure this nightmare again... because each time the stakes are higher and the effects more frightening.

So as happy as I am for her to finally get to swim in a meet again is as terrified as I am that something will happen again, as irrational as that may be.  What happened in Gainesville was a fluke, frankly -- a random occurrence that we probably couldn't duplicate if we tried to stage it to do so.   But once you realize that random stuff happens, and once it happens to your kid, those doubts creep in and your blissful ignorance dissipates, and you start seeing possible head injuries in every shadow.
I've always been an "ah, what's the worst that can happen" kind of person, but that attitude straightens up quickly when the answer is "long term brain damage" or "chronic headaches" for my daughter.

And yes, I know that she could get another TBI basically anywhere.  Heck, Kaito clocked me so hard in the temple the other day that I had a headache for two days.  If that had been L, we'd be in a dark room again, using Kaito's pelt as a throw blanket.  So, random events happen, and we can't live life cowering in fear of them.

I'm sure the knot in my stomach will lessen as time passes and brain function remains undisturbed by any errant kicks or dumba**es swimming down the wrong side of the lane or careless kids just messing around.  But for now...

On we go.