Where to start. Lexi survived first semester and midterms. She's hanging on by a thread academically and athletically right now. There've been improvements, but she also seems to have some maybe permanent cognitive issues. Fun stuff. But I'll come back to that.
A while back she started dating a boy who has been persistently trying to have a relationship with her since fall of sophomore year. Lexi liked him, then he liked her, then they didn't like each other, then they got to be friends, then he liked her again but she wasn't sure, then she liked him and they dated, then he started coming on a bit too strongly and her time got tight so she tried to break it off with him and stay friends, then he begged her to give him a chance to respect her boundaries so they went out again, then he pushed the boundaries so they broke up, then they went out as friends, then he asked her to prom and they celebrated an early valentine's day, then all hell broke loose. Back to that later too.
For some reason the girls don't make close friends easily. They are different than many of their peers. Let's face it, they haven't exactly had a traditional path to where they are now. Their biofather and I divorced when they were roughly two and six months old, so they've spent virtually their entire lives swapping houses. I still can't write about everything that went on over there since Lexi is not 18 yet, but let's just summarize it by saying "money" and "stuff" doesn't compensate for or neutralize unhealthiness. And when things went supernovae about 8 years ago, our lives and the girls' lives became insanely different from most of their peers, for reasons an outsider simply cannot comprehend. Unless you've lived it, as an adult or a child, you cannot understand and I'm not sure we could ever fully explain it. All I can say is, I still am deeply affected by what went on, and I am allegedly an adult. So for kids...
Then add in changing teams, changing schools, surgeries, concussions, and the PCS. I don't think those two should ever have to apologize to anyone for being "weird" or not always being "happy" or really for anything that is "different" about their personalities. Most adults would have crumbled under the emotional demands and pressure of what they've gone through. They're stronger, smarter, and better for having endured it, and they should be proud, not criticized. IMO. But WTF do I know.
So why is Lexi about as down as I've ever seen her? Because this boy positioned himself as her best friend and confidant and then used it to make her feel isolated, self-conscious, and disliked. We saw warning signs as far back as this fall -- he was very focused on Lexi, and very persistent in wanting a relationship with her. She even felt a bit disingenuous because she could tell his feelings were stronger than hers, and she knew instinctively they were out of proportion to the time they'd spent together or the stage of their friendship/relationship. But, like they often are initially, things could be explained away. (Sara's 1st rule of relationships: If you find yourself having to spin things or find excuses or alternate meanings to things to make them positive, after the third thing, walk away.)
Then, without getting into extensive details, Lexi became extremely uncomfortable with some of the words and actions. And when Lexi broke off the relationship, she discovered she'd been wise to trust her instincts. The boy had apparently contacted several of her teammates in a manner designed to gather information to use against Lexi or to drive a wedge between Lexi and the teammates. He chose to do both by forwarding screen shots to Christi of what the girls he contacted clearly thought would be private conversations.
Now, Lexi knows she is not "popular" -- it only takes being left out of a few social activities for that message to get driven home. And she knows that people don't "get" the post-concussion stuff - that was also made clear to her last summer by the actions and words of some of the kids on the team after she sustained her 4th concussion. And the fact that 99% of her teammates laugh about concussions, mock the concussion testing, took/take no interest in her situation, and generally don't seem to give a shit about her or how she is feeling has driven home that message repeatedly. But...
When you read words written by people on your own team that talk about how you are weird or disliked because you don't seem happy, or because they think you are "exaggerating" your injury, or think you have a "rude attitude about stupid stuff" or being around you is "exhausting" because you seem to need to be "cared" for or that you were "dramatizing" the effects of the concussions etc... well that really hurts. Especially when it comes from kids who are moody, bitchy, judgmental, mopey, rude, and generally teen-agery themselves.
When that happens at the same time you discover the person you thought you could trust the most, outside of your immediate family, is actually the one driving the negative conversation and undermining relationships (he was also contacting Christi with his "concerns" about Lexi) it can be difficult, even devastating.
When you see in black and white that your fears that your teammates don't like you or "get" what's going on with you are true, how do you as a teenager process that? Do you lash out and tell them that, clearly, you are exaggerating your situation -- that's why the school and the people who administer the SAT and AP and ACT grant you extra time and accommodations for your testing... that's why you have to learn new tools to check your math work because you show signs of acquired math dyslexia... that's why your GPA has dropped almost .5 in a year while your effort has increased and your course load decreased... that's why you get slaughtered on straight up memorization tests now, when in the past you could just rattle things off without a second thought -- none of which these kids know. Maybe they would if they took :30 to ask, but, they do not.
See, the flaw in their logic is pretty simple: Lexi knows no one outside her family and the administration gives a shit or pays attention to her, so I'm not sure who they think she is "acting" for... and the accommodations she needs for swimming and academics only significantly complicate her life. And if they think it is fun for her to struggle not to keel over face first after every race, or for either of us to have to constantly explain to timers and officials why she is keeling and why I am trying to reach her before she falls on her head, they're wrong... and if they think we don't both know what they're saying, they're also wrong.... but what should I do, as a parent... let my staggering, in pain, addled child struggle on her own so as not to overly "dramatize" the situation, or take care of her knowing full well we're being judged?
If I sound angry, I am. Being a teenager is difficult enough. Dealing with what my kids have been forced to deal with compounds that difficulty. Seeing first hand as a teen the realities of how self absorbed and limited in attention span and ability to empathize most of our population is is just.... not fair.
Like I said to two of the girls last week when we were working to contain the fall out from the boy's actions, I really hope they never have to deal with something like Lexi has had to deal with, where their supposed friends and teammates don't want to be bothered with them and they are left on their own to struggle, or, worse, have backs turned on them or ridicule directed at them.
Eventually I believe we all go through something that requires the patience and empathy of those around us. And I sincerely hope we each get back the exact amount of care and concern and patience we have shown to others.
Dogs, because people suck.
